i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
