My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
