I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
