I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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