Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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