i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
