I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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