I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
