You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
it's great music for shaving your balls
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
