: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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