and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If I had your ass I would rule the world
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
