i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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