i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
