I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
