I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
