I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize