I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
