every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize