Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
