my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
