Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
