it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
