There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just high enough for therapy.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
