Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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