omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
this is an emotional support booty call
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
