sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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