I'm laying in your front yard are you home
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my shit smells like andre
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
