He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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