I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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