U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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