I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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