Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
