This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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