Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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