The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
