Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
