I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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