I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize