Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
