is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
