I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
