some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My bed smells like the plague
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
