I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
