just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
