my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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