my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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