I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
