just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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