Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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