ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
