I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
