Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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