My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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