I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
