dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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