mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
