So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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