I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
